One month later…

Sorry. I’m back, and though I won’t post again until Monday, I’m restarting that goal of posting something a few times a week.

I have a job interview on Tuesday afternoon. Exciting stuff. It’s not my dream job, or anything, but I need something.

Speaking of, someone recently asked me what my dream job would be. It was an interesting thing to think about. Usually, I think of that in the context of, “What would I tell my younger self to pursue as my dream job?” This time, I tried to think about what I wanted, realistically, with the experiences and education that I have at this point in my lift.

I want to learn something really well, and then teach/train others to do it in a one-on-one type of environment.

I wonder if the job I’m interviewing for would have opportunities for that? Or maybe it’ll open doors to other careers that would have opportunities for that. We’ll see, I guess. The great thing about the future is that it’s so unpredictable. Yes, it’s a bit scary, too, but there are SO MANY possibilities, and a lot of them are good.

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Bah

Humbug. 

I’ve been trying to write a blog post all week and just haven’t had much to say, I guess.

Which probably isn’t true. I just don’t have the ability at the moment to put it into words. I’m ridiculously excited to go on vacation next week. Less than a week, really. It feels like there’s SO MUCH to do, but…. like what? Pack, which I’ll do next week. Herc, my tortoise, is all set to stay with my parents for the week. 

There isn’t anything else…. 

Well. I’ll check in next week. 

I hope everyone’s weekend is phenomenal – Sunny, unseasonably warm, and full of fun. 

Family (Issues) Friday

So, in the middle of a book I’m reading, I came across the phrase, “power people.” The author was speaking of people who want power in relationships to the exclusion of all else. They want to control everything, and constantly neglect the needs of the people around them in favor of having more power in the relationship.

Now, this book is one about marital relationships, and I know my husband is not a power person. However… my mother is definitely a power person. I think she’s mellowed out, maybe, but she definitely had that “I’m right, you’re wrong” sentiment when I was growing up, no matter what it was. I could be 100% in the right about something and she would insist that there was no way I could know more than she did. You might say, “Well, that’s how parents are,” and maybe you’d be right. Except she did the same thing to my dad. 

Then there was that one time she did it to us both at once. I’ve always been a “daddy’s girl”, through and through, and my mom was threatened by that when I was younger. On the surface, she would encourage our relationship. She’d always try to undermine it, somehow, and I never realized. I don’t think my father realizes, still. Anyway, that one time… I was 16 years old and dad went out to run an errand. 

It was just mom and me at home, and somehow we got on the subject of dad. I don’t remember it very clearly, but we must have been arguing (one of the very few times I got up the courage to argue with my mother when I was a teenager.) She intimated that dad would always believe her over me, and that she could make him believe whatever she wanted. I was flabbergasted. My father is more intelligent than that, I argued. I believed in him. I didn’t believe for a minute that my dad would just… believe my mom’s blatant lies over my truth. “I’ll prove it to you when he gets home,” mom said. I argued with her, telling her that that wasn’t fair to dad and asking her to please not do this.

When dad got home, I watched in complete despair as my mom cried – actual, literal tears – and told my father that we got into a fight and I called her names and was mean to her. No matter how much I protested, how much I insisted that I would never do that, my dad believed her. Even though that pattern of behavior – meanness and name-calling – was her standard M.O., he could not hear what I was telling him. He wanted to ground me, but my mom was “magnanimous” enough to insist I must just be having a bad day. When he hugged her, she grinned at me. 

Can you imagine having that image of your dad shatter before your eyes? My knight in shining armor, the person I could count on who would understand when my mom lost her temper for little reason, the parent to whom I told everything… fallen to manipulation of the very worst kind. I didn’t argue with my mother again for the rest of my teen years. She’d won.

It’s been about 17 years now. My relationship with my mom is better, mostly because I’ve learned what not to discuss with her, and my dad and I never talked together the same again, but we don’t have a bad relationship. As an adult, I brought this instance up once to my mom when we were alone. She claims not to remember it. “That never happened, don’t be ridiculous.”

Right. Got it. Clearly, I’m crazy.

So much for a daily post…

I’m trying really really hard not to beat myself up about not keeping to my goal of one post a day, M-F. 

A lot of things have been going on, and nothing has been going on, if that makes any sense. Most things are internal. I have something I’m working through and it’s been a long struggle and it will continue to be a long struggle. 

In other news that’s barely related… My husband and I are going on a trip to Arizona in just about two weeks (15 days, but who’s counting?) Today he sends me a text that his bosses are going nuts about some problem that means he might have to travel “soon”, which can mean anything, since his travel plans are usually last minute. 

I’m irritated about it. A few years ago, I would have just accepted it and hoped that it wouldn’t ruin our vacation. This time? This time, I told him I’d be going without him. Especially since his boss has already told him that he would never expect him to travel if he couldn’t or really didn’t think it was necessary. 

This trip means to much to me, independantly of it being “our” vacation… We aren’t even planning on spending a lot of time together. He has friends down there, and I have my best friend down there. I refuse to stay home because he can’t tell his boss no, when his boss would understand. It’s not like this vacation isn’t scheduled. 

Bah.

Time Travel

I had a dream last night that I went back in time and relived high school with the knowledge that I have now. 

It’s an interesting idea. I told one of my friends and they asked me if I really would go back in time and if so, how far back and what would I do differently?

Ohoho… What would I change? Well, I thought about it. I’d go back to when I was twelve. I’d fix a mistake I made that year, I’d focus on eating healthy and take up some kind of physical hobby to keep myself fit. I’d study languages. I’d study ASL/ISL, French, Italian, Japanese, anything I could think of. I’d convince my parents to let me finish out my high school years in my original high school and not move at the end of sophomore year to a 3rd rate school with a drug problem. I’d try hard to participate in the student exchange program my senior year.

I’d pick a college that would help me with my dreams and I’d  actually apply myself! I’d have GOALS and not just float here and there wherever I was tugged. I’d do the tugging.

I’d move overseas and be a translator. I would live in the city, but I’d eventually move to the country of whatever country I loved the most because I don’t actually enjoy city living. I would wait to get married and not rush in because I was inexperienced and naive. 

Well. 

They say, however, that we should live in the present and not dwell in the past. So I’ll do my best today and be thankful for the good things I do have. 

Whoops

Wow, I disappeared for over a week. 

Sorry. 

It was an odd week. My husband went on a business trip, so I had a lot of time on my own (not that I don’t always.) 

I’m not having a great emotional day, actually, (yay depression) so I’m not sure I have the ability to write a proper post, but I’ll make a better effort tomorrow. 

Long Day

Today’s been a long day, and I’m not sure I have the mental energy for a proper post, but let’s see where stream of consciousness writing gets me. 

…. Wherein I sat for five minutes staring blankly at my tablet, willing thoughts to be thunk. 

Is “thunk” a word? Quite probably not. I may be a little too tired to really make a post that makes any sense. 

Nonsense is a fantastic place to write from, I think. The silly thoughts and rambling “bunny trails” of my conscious mind is a fascinating place. 

Within the last few years, I’ve realized that my often child-like nature isn’t actually a bad thing. Why would I want to change that about myself? I see things more fully than other people. I wonder at things. I get excited about things. I have been known to emit high-pitched noises when confronted with something fuzzy, fluffy, or just downright adorable. 

There have been times in my life when someone has attempted to stifle that part of me. I refuse to be stifled. If you cannot handle that I get very happy when I see kittens, or I laugh quite loudly when I find something particularly funny, that is not actually my problem to solve. Getting mad at me isn’t going to change me. I’m done changing for other people at this point in my life.

I am me. Take me or leave me, love me or don’t.

I think that’s a good place to leave it for now. It may be bedtime. 

Stress Relief and Depression

I don’t know about you, but depression stresses me out. It’s this never-ending vicious cycle of stress and shame and hating myself, and I am so over it. I need to get things done, but I can’t make myself move, so I’m a horrible person/wife/whatever. (Hey, look, more negative self-talk.)

So. How can I get some relief? 

Not an easy question to answer, as it happens. My usual stress relief is crochet. (That’s right, I make things out of string. It’s a superpower.) I love to crochet. I started in high school and have only improved with every project. It’s my defining hobby to a lot of people, because it’s very visible. I often bring it with me when I’m visiting or waiting somewhere. (I either have yarn or a book on me at all times, often both.) However, what does depression do to our hobbies? How does it treat our beloved pastimes? It yanks them from us and pushes them well out of our emotional reach. 

“I don’t feel like it” becomes my mantra when I’m even just moderately depressed. It simply does not make sense. I know I am depressed and I don’t feel like going out and being social, but this is crochet! It aligns my world and lifts my spirits to see something take shape out of that singular ball of string. Why can’t I bring myself to do it anyway, when I know it’ll make me feel better?

Well, this week I am going to make a concentrated effort to work on a crochet project for a little while every day. I have one in particular that I need to finish by a certain date, so we’ll start with that. 

Hope

Recently, I saw a picture taken by a friend of a place in the UK. The photo was taken from a perspective that left the trees immediately in the foreground dark and a little sinister looking, but behind them, a green hill, lit up by a sunny day. 

I was struck by it. It looked so… hopeful. Yes, at first glance it’s dark and a little spooky even, but then you look closer. There’s light out there, beyond the trees. It isn’t even that far away, really, it’s just hard to see in the circumstances. 

Hope is such a vague and abstract concept to me sometimes. There are times when I feel absolutely beyond hope. There is nothing ahead, in my view, but more darkness. More trees. But then, maybe I’m just walking with my eyes closed. Maybe I’m walking parallel to the light, and if I just look around, I’ll see it. 

In my heart, I know it’s always there. Light. Hope. Peace. Good Things. It’s just hard to keep my head in the same place. My head doesn’t always see through the trees to the sunshine just beyond them. It sees only those individual problems, traps, issues. 

I knew a pastor once who liked to say that the longest 18 inches in the universe was from your heart to your head. It’s so difficult to move concepts that short little distance. Especially the ones like Hope. 

I’ve been feeling particularly depressed the last few days, which is probably why this photo has captured me so fully. I’m not complaining, however. I’m admittedly a simple girl; this lifted my spirits.

So, friend who took that photo, Thank you. 

Yet more snow

The view from my little porch. (I apologize for the poor quality of the cell phone photo.)
We’re having a blizzard. Last week was just a “storm.” A foot and a half of snow later, and it’s still coming down at a good clip. We’ll get 6 inches more, easy. 

My weekend was spent getting ready for the blizzard, basically. Making sure every dish was washed and the dishes kept up, and all the laundry done. Oh, and every device charged up to 100%. Just in case we lost power during the storm. So far, we haven’t and if we do, it’s highly doubtful we’ll be out for long. In the meantime, my husband worked to make sure the generator and the snowblower were both working and all the other little things he stresses and worries over when a storm is looming. 

Yesterday, I spent the day reading, or playing video games while chatting on various messaging apps to my different groups of friends. It was a slow and lazy day. Today will be much of the same. 

I think this week, I will read more about my Enneagram personality type and post about my insights on that. 

Maybe. 

We’ll see.