Falling Apart

I feel the need to just type out what I’m feeling and not edit it too much. My blog here is one I tend not to edit, anyway, because it’s relatively anonymous.

I mean, you can call me Elle and I’ll answer to it. I’ll answer to a lot of things, including, “Hey!” But it’s not really my name.

I’ve been having such a hard time lately. I’ve cried so much in the last month, I officially hate October. And, you know, that’s not really fair to October. I got a new vehicle this month and that’s a good thing! It’s just that M is not making this whole divorce thing as simple as I’d hoped. I get that he’s mad about it. I understand he didn’t want this and it was my decision.

But Jesus Christ, telling me to get my stuff out of the house by October 30th (on October 3rd, by the way) and then changing the locks? That’s ridiculous.

I’ve also realized this month that talking to him makes me tired. It exhausts me, trying to talk to him and make him understand my side of anything. No wonder I was so tired all the time. Honestly, I don’t really like bad-mouthing him (just one reason everyone was so shocked – “But you’ve never said anything!” WHY would I??), but these days he’s just making it harder than it needs to be.

I’ve also also realized that I’m kind of desperate for physical affection. No one hugs me anymore. I don’t think I’ve touched another human being (outside of a handshake) for months.

No wonder I’m stressed and feel thinly spread. I’m starting to crack and I can’t figure out which glue to use to keep me pressed together.

I need someone to come and hug all my bits back together so I don’t fall apart.

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Once More, with Feeling

Hi, again.

Life has been a little rough lately, and any of my hobbies and distractions have kind of taken a back seat except video games. And… the darker ones have kind of been my draw these last few months. That’s a revelation.

Huh.

Anyway.

The court date for my divorce proceedings is next Monday. I’m not excited. I’m tired and I’m so ready for things to be over. I have no idea what to expect, having NEVER been to court in my life. I’m just glad it will actually be over and then I have the next day off, too. I think I’ll need it.

I’m going to try, again, to get back into posting. I swear I try, I really do. I just get… distracted. Next month will hopefully be better.

Visitors

Very very very late last night, my brother and his family flew in for an almost-2-week visit. I haven’t seen my brother in over a year, so I was happy they were all coming. Last time any of them visited, it was only my SIL and the baby (he’s three years old.)

I have a grand total of 3 days off when they’re here, including today, and on my last day off, I have two appointments, so I’ll be a bit busy.

So yeah. I’m glad they’re here, but I wish I had more time with them.

Sorry for the short post… I’m rather exhausted today.

Ladies and Gentlemen, My family:

I’m living with my parents, for now. This is because, no matter how much shit they put me through during my childhood and teen years, they are family. They are the only people in the area who I could stay with during this transition. (Believe me, if I had friends actually in the area who didn’t have a cat, I’d have asked them in a heartbeat.)

My family has always been a bit strange. I didn’t really notice until I brought friends from out of state home to visit. We’re very close and have basically no boundaries. (This is why it’s difficult to set boundaries now, because we’ve NEVER had boundaries before and my mom is always confused and hurt when I set a new one. …. Not that I let that stop me nowadays, but… I digress.)

One boundary-free aspect that I simultaneously appreciate and loathe is the fact that I know, I know, my parents have a healthy, happy, sex life.

These are the days I thank God for making me deaf in one ear and the fact that I sleep on my good ear, so I can’t hear anything. Plus, I have the air purifier and the air conditioner making white noise and I can’t hear anything that happens outside my room.

It’s fine, because it made me secure as a child that my parents really did love each other, no matter how crazy my mother is or how much of an enabler my father is, and they were not going to get a divorce.

Then there are times like last night. I stayed downstairs with my parents after supper. I’ve been coming upstairs around 8pm or so, but I stayed later for some reason. Apparently, my father got tired of me being around longer than usual (not in a malicious way, I swear) and this happened:

“I promise to keep my underwear on!” My father exclaimed, making me look up from my phone with wide eyes to see him taking off his pants. He wears boxes (apparently, because I never knew that, why would I??) so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Still.

“…And that’s my cue to go upstairs! Goodnight!” I positively escaped, my father’s cackling laughter following me up the stairs.

I need my own place. A.S.A.P.

It’s the Little Things

… Okay, this isn’t quite a “little thing.” I got a job offer!

*cue streamers and confetti*

I’m very excited about it, actually. It’s a position that will help me learn a LOT and open doors for other positions when I decide to leave the area. (Which, I mean, I’ve been wanting to do for years, so I know eventually I’ll move away from here.) I’ll be a front desk/receptionist, but also an administrative assistant for the HR person. It’s a busy position with a lot of responsibility. I really am very excited.

Plus, that helps me fill in numbers for my budget. Thank God. It’s not an enormous amount of money, but it’s something and something is ALWAYS better than nothing.

Now, though, I have to figure out how much support I need and how long I’ll need it. I tried telling him that I’d like the “how long” to be written as the maximum, with the option to stop getting support when I don’t need it any longer, if it takes less time than that. He can’t see his way to that. Even though he knows my goal is to take as little from him as possible, and that if I could get away with not taking ANY, I absolutely would, he can’t give me the security of  having the maximum as an option.

Fine. So.

Does anyone have a good way of calculating how long someone will need spousal support/alimony? Seriously asking. Because I have NO idea how to determine how long I’ll need his fucking support. I don’t want it any longer than necessary.

See, now I’m getting irritated again.

Seriously, though – Any advice about how to calculate how long one will need alimony/spousal support would be greatly appreciated.

This would be easier if I was a bitch.

It’s frustrating to be told to do a budget when I don’t have numbers to work with. How am I supposed to do a budget to figure out how much spousal support I should ask for when I don’t know what my salary will be at whatever job I’ll get and I don’t know how much rent will be?

I can figure out the mobile phone bill, the internet service, even car insurance and groceries. But I can’t figure out the rest without numbers.

I threw out a number and was told I was underestimating my needs. Well, maybe, but I also hope to get through this ordeal without creating animosity between us. I’m trying not to hamstring him or leave him destitute.

Logically, I know he’ll be fine. He makes 3x as much as I’ll ever earn, considering I have no degree.

It’s probably because I feel guilty about being the one who made this decision, but… I don’t know what to do.

Rawr.

 

I Wish I Could Draw

I wish I could draw out why I appear to be crying less than he is, or dealing with this “better” than he is.

What I’d draw would be a comic of a woman and a man giving their hearts to each other. Even though cracks accidentally happen in each heart, that’s normal. No heart is ever left completely perfect and pristine.

But a few years into the relationship, he starts being careless with it. He drops her heart; it cracks further and a piece chips off. This happens again and again. He drops it, sits on it, leaves it in the rain… Pieces keep chipping off and the cracks get deeper. 

Every time it happens, she cries; it hurts, after all. She asks him to be more careful. He promises he will be… But he just isn’t.

Until finally, she asks for it back. She tells him she’s going to take it back, and why, and gives him time to gather all the little pieces that she hasn’t already picked up for herself. But nothing he does to try to repair her heart sticks. He can fix anything… except this.  

When she asks for her heart back, and hands him his own, they’re both a little clumsy and drop them. Now he has a broken heart, a new sensation, and he grieves over it.

But she’s been living with a broken heart for years.

It’s a transition

Last night I stayed at my parents’ house. 

They took the news of my divorce a LOT better than I expected them to. Well, I say that, but when I told my dad, he got very rigid and his expression blanked out and he said, “Why?” in the scariest voice I have ever heard him use. 

I had to explain pretty quick that M (husband) hadn’t done anything wrong. It made me laugh, though, so that’s something. Poor dad, thinking he was going to have to go kick M’s ass. Bless. 

I wasn’t actually planning on moving in here until tonight, but it was just… really awkward staying at the house (it’s not home anymore….) after the decision was made. Especially since M just wasn’t understanding. 

We’ve spent the day cleaning out the room I’ll be using. My parents are being very supportive and I’m extremely appreciative. They even bought an air purifier. I’m allergic to cats and they have one. I’d have stayed somewhere else, but I have nowhere else local.

She’s very pretty and she can sense that I’m sad, I think. She is way more affectionate than she usually is. I just need to keep her out of my room so I don’t die.  Ha.

The Decision

I’m getting a divorce.

It hurts.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s the right decision, for a lot of reasons. It still hurts, though. I’ve had a lot of time to think about this and process it and he hasn’t. I’m trying to encourage him to participate in the “separation counseling” that our therapist suggested to help us “let go” of the relationship. He’s still concerned about how much it costs, though, so I’m not sure he’ll decide to go.

It’ll have less of an impact on me, personally, since I have a personal therapist that will help me through this, but I want him to be able to be happy and cope well.

It’s not like I hate him or think he’s a terrible person. He wasn’t abusive toward me or anything like that. It’s just that I’m a completely different person than I was, and he’s not someone who I can see myself with anymore.

What I’ve really discovered about myself is that I have always had a problem with these things, but I’ve always excused them. “I can teach him to change.” Except it’s been 10years of marriage, 12years together, and no matter what I said, did, or tried, he was never able to grasp what was wrong. Now that I’ve started to grow into who I am, be more assertive about what I want and what I need to be happy, I’ve realized that if I met him today as a stranger, we might be friends, but I would never want to be involved in a romantic relationship with him.

He can’t make me happy, and staying with him will continue to make him unhappy. That’s the bottom line.

I don’t really know what the next steps are going to be. I have emailed the couples therapist about separation counseling. I’ve texted my own therapist about an extra appointment this week to help me cope. I’ve looked into “Collaborative Divorce” options, but I’m not sure how to get started there.

My biggest worry right now, besides the obvious “What am I gonna do, where am I gonna go?”, is….

How do I tell my parents?

*Whoops… again, etc

Who sucks at blogging regularly? This gal, apparently.

I shouldn’t focus on that though. My therapist would say something like, “Let’s not do that. Let’s stay away from that kind of negative self-talk. What do we do when we mess up or make a mistake?”

We apologize, and try again.

So, I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better about blogging regularly.

A lot of things have happened recently. My husband and I have started “Discernment Counseling”, which is basically counseling for couples where one person is leaning towards getting a divorce, and one absolutely wants to reconcile.

I’d tell you to guess which one I am, but I haven’t been blogging enough for you to know that yet without being told. I’m the one leaning toward divorce. There’s a lot of reasons why and I’m not up to sharing them here, but that’s where we stand.

Discernment Counseling (which you can Google, if you’re curious) is limited sessions and you book them one by one, in case you reach a decision about the path your marriage should take. After one session, my husband was surprised that I wanted to go back. I got a sad and dejected “Oh.”

Honestly, though, we touched the very surface of our problems, so how can we know what to do from that? Not one thing in that session was something new to me, although apparently he learned something about himself (that I’d been telling him forever, but that’s neither here nor there.) The therapist (who is, of course, different from my personal therapist) ended the session with saying something like, “You had a good foundation and you clearly had things in common at the beginning, so I think you could have a good chance at reconciliation.”

The thing is, I’m not actually sure we had things in common at the beginning. You know how sometimes people kind of bend their likes and dislikes to match up with the person they like? Well, I was young. He was the very first guy to every pay attention to me like I wasn’t the last resort or his only option. I didn’t do it consciously or maliciously, but I definitely tailored my preferences toward his.

Since then, I’ve grown up. I’ve changed, grown personally and emotionally. My worldview and perspective has changed. My personal belief system has changed. I’m a completely different person than I was.

He isn’t.

I’m not sure we’re compatible anymore. If I met him now, I’d laugh at his jokes and be his friend, but more than that? I don’t think I’d fall in love with him, now.