I feel the need to just type out what I’m feeling and not edit it too much. My blog here is one I tend not to edit, anyway, because it’s relatively anonymous.

I mean, you can call me Elle and I’ll answer to it. I’ll answer to a lot of things, including, “Hey!” But it’s not really my name.

I’ve been having such a hard time lately. I’ve cried so much in the last month, I officially hate October. And, you know, that’s not really fair to October. I got a new vehicle this month and that’s a good thing! It’s just that M is not making this whole divorce thing as simple as I’d hoped. I get that he’s mad about it. I understand he didn’t want this and it was my decision.

But Jesus Christ, telling me to get my stuff out of the house by October 30th (on October 3rd, by the way) and then changing the locks? That’s ridiculous.

I’ve also realized this month that talking to him makes me tired. It exhausts me, trying to talk to him and make him understand my side of anything. No wonder I was so tired all the time. Honestly, I don’t really like bad-mouthing him (just one reason everyone was so shocked – “But you’ve never said anything!” WHY would I??), but these days he’s just making it harder than it needs to be.

I’ve also also realized that I’m kind of desperate for physical affection. No one hugs me anymore. I don’t think I’ve touched another human being (outside of a handshake) for months.

No wonder I’m stressed and feel thinly spread. I’m starting to crack and I can’t figure out which glue to use to keep me pressed together.

I need someone to come and hug all my bits back together so I don’t fall apart.

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