Who sucks at blogging regularly? This gal, apparently.

I shouldn’t focus on that though. My therapist would say something like, “Let’s not do that. Let’s stay away from that kind of negative self-talk. What do we do when we mess up or make a mistake?”

We apologize, and try again.

So, I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better about blogging regularly.

A lot of things have happened recently. My husband and I have started “Discernment Counseling”, which is basically counseling for couples where one person is leaning towards getting a divorce, and one absolutely wants to reconcile.

I’d tell you to guess which one I am, but I haven’t been blogging enough for you to know that yet without being told. I’m the one leaning toward divorce. There’s a lot of reasons why and I’m not up to sharing them here, but that’s where we stand.

Discernment Counseling (which you can Google, if you’re curious) is limited sessions and you book them one by one, in case you reach a decision about the path your marriage should take. After one session, my husband was surprised that I wanted to go back. I got a sad and dejected “Oh.”

Honestly, though, we touched the very surface of our problems, so how can we know what to do from that? Not one thing in that session was something new to me, although apparently he learned something about himself (that I’d been telling him forever, but that’s neither here nor there.) The therapist (who is, of course, different from my personal therapist) ended the session with saying something like, “You had a good foundation and you clearly had things in common at the beginning, so I think you could have a good chance at reconciliation.”

The thing is, I’m not actually sure we had things in common at the beginning. You know how sometimes people kind of bend their likes and dislikes to match up with the person they like? Well, I was young. He was the very first guy to every pay attention to me like I wasn’t the last resort or his only option. I didn’t do it consciously or maliciously, but I definitely tailored my preferences toward his.

Since then, I’ve grown up. I’ve changed, grown personally and emotionally. My worldview and perspective has changed. My personal belief system has changed. I’m a completely different person than I was.

He isn’t.

I’m not sure we’re compatible anymore. If I met him now, I’d laugh at his jokes and be his friend, but more than that? I don’t think I’d fall in love with him, now.

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